It’s been over three years since I deleted social media.

I thought I was over it. Then four things happened recently, and I realized… I’m still that kid who wants to be liked.

Thing 1: Point addiction

Recently I joined a few small communities with point systems.

I was online constantly, posting constantly, liking constantly. Every notification gave me a little thrill. That “I’m awesome, you should pay more attention to me” ego kept popping up.

Then I snapped out of it. Wait, isn’t this exactly why I deleted social media in the first place?

These likes mean nothing. I have more important things to do: finally updating the app I’ve been neglecting for over a year, researching YouTube, even just playing a game for fun.

Thing 2: The debate instinct

I tried posting on a platform, and ended up arguing with people again.

I didn’t mean to pick a fight, but when opinions differ nobody can help trying to prove they’re right. I wasted half a day before it hit me: god, this is exhausting. Why am I wasting time on this? Is arguing over who’s right even meaningful?

Thing 3: YouTube-phobia

I really want to make YouTube videos. I’ve brainstormed countless videos. Written countless scripts.

But I can’t bring myself to hit publish.

Afraid it’s not good enough (reality never matches the fantasy). Afraid of being mocked (spotlight effect at work).

Then I asked myself: if I didn’t have to post it online, would I still be afraid of making videos?

No.

So the problem isn’t making videos. It’s that I still care too much about what other people think. The real obstacle isn’t skill or time. It’s my ego.

Thing 4: The subscriber-spike high

Recently a 6,000-follower IG account shared one of my articles.

The result? My newsletter got 20 new subscribers overnight. I was happy for two days straight, walking around feeling like a champ.

But once I calmed down I thought: so why don’t I just run an IG account myself? Then I could be this happy every day?

No. None of this is what I actually want.

Monk dreams, mortal heart

I’m basically semi-retired. My savings could cover 10+ years of lying flat. Why do I still care this much?

Fussing over who’s right. Fussing over public opinion. Fussing over whether anyone reads what I write.

I should be more like an enlightened monk. Unmoved by gain, unbothered by loss.

The Stoic version: whether others notice me or respond to me, none of that is within my control. What I can control is whether I’ve expressed myself as best I can (and done decent SEO, haha), and whether I’m living consistently with my values.

The Buddhist version: this is “self-grasping” at work. Clinging to the idea of a fixed, unchanging “me.” Clinging to that “me’s” thoughts, feelings, interests, reputation. But there is no fixed self. My worth doesn’t need external validation. These feelings are like clouds drifting across the sky. They come, they go. No need to identify with them.

Easy to say, ridiculously hard to do.

Looks like I’m still very, very far from enlightenment. Ha.

But at least I’m reflecting. Practicing. Slowly getting better.