Game mindset: you can only control your own character

In games

In games, you can only control one character: your own.

You decide where to go, what to fight, and which skills to use. But you can’t control when enemies attack, what NPCs say, or whether it rains.

You’d never yell at your screen, “Enemy, stop attacking me!” You just dodge.

And you don’t get mad at NPCs for not listening. They have their own programming. They’re not yours to control.

Multiplayer makes this even clearer. You can’t control your teammates. Some ignore calls, some wander off, some grief on purpose. You can’t play for them.

Some players focus on their own positioning and damage output. Others spend their time typing insults in chat.

Same game, completely different outcomes.

The difference is who puts their attention on what they can actually control.

In reality

In real life, we spend too much time trying to control other people’s characters.

Traffic jam — anger. Bad weather — complaints. Someone doesn’t text back — anxiety. Partner won’t listen — argument. Boss doesn’t see your value — self-pity. Someone criticizes you online — ruined day.

But none of these are things you can control.

What you can control: your actions and how you respond.

Traffic? Listen to a podcast. Bad weather? Bring an umbrella. No reply? Do your own thing. Partner won’t listen? Accept that they’re their own person. Boss doesn’t see your value? Level up, or find a new party.

Most anxiety comes from trying to control things that aren’t yours to control. Most mental drain comes from obsessing over outcomes.

You can control what you create, but not whether people like it. You can control how many resumes you send, but not who replies. You can control practicing every day, but not when the breakthrough comes.

Think about the opinions you care about most. Where do they actually come from?

If a thousand people see your work, nine hundred are complete strangers. They don’t know your background, don’t understand your situation, and scroll away the moment they’re done.

You probably wouldn’t let friends, or even parents, make life decisions for you. But you let a crowd of strangers’ likes and comments decide how you feel today.

Isn’t that absurd?

Choosing a major for someone else’s expectations. Working overtime to manage a boss’s emotions. Changing direction because of strangers’ comments. All of it is handing over the controls.

Don’t let anyone else control your character.

There’s a passage called the Serenity Prayer that puts it well: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Whether or not you’re religious, it’s worth remembering.

Once you learn to see where the line is, a lot of inner conflict just disappears.

It’s not about not caring about outcomes. It’s about putting your energy back on what you can actually control.

Just like in a game. Focus on your positioning, focus on your output. How your teammates play is their business.

You can only control your own character.

Player notes

I spent years learning this.

I’ve always cared too much about what people think of me. Post something on social media, and I’d keep refreshing to check for likes. Ship an app, and I’d obsess over download numbers. If the numbers didn’t look good, I’d decide I wasn’t good enough.

But likes and downloads aren’t mine to control. The only thing I can control is what I write and what I build.

What wasted even more time was people-pleasing. Because of how I grew up, I hate conflict. Back in my corporate days, I’d keep the peace in every meeting, fulfill everyone’s requests — all to keep people happy and satisfied with me. Great performance reviews, but massive time and energy drain. My own work never got done. My own goals never moved forward.

Chasing others’ approval is the ultimate time killer. Always busy trying to win people’s love, validation, praise. That habit constantly interrupts your rhythm and erases your personality. In the end, you create nothing.

Think about it. Have you ever had a day like that? Busy from morning to night, then looking back and realizing everything you did was for someone else. Your own goals didn’t move an inch.

People-pleasing is like grinding mobs for your teammate. Their XP goes up. Yours doesn’t. And they probably won’t even say thanks.

After I started writing, I slowly learned one thing: my job is to write, not to be liked.

Once I put something out, some people find it useful, some find it boring, some criticize it. None of that is mine to control. All I can do is keep writing the next piece, a little better, a little more useful.

So I deleted all my social media and focused on writing.

But here’s the contradiction: as a writer who wants to reach more readers, I can’t completely ignore social media.

I have vanity. I want more people to see what I write. If I finish an article and just hide it on my hard drive, it’s barely different from not writing at all. To reach more readers, I have to learn to work with social media.

Social media disrupts my peace. That’s a fact. But whether to open it, how to use it, how much time to spend on it — those are things I can control. I can’t control whether the algorithm pushes my article, but I can control closing the app after posting and doing something else.

At least in theory. Easier said than done.

Recently I selectively reinstalled some social media. I often pick up my phone just to check a notification, then realize I’ve been scrolling for thirty minutes. Sometimes I know I’m bored, but my fingers won’t stop, afraid of missing the next interesting thing. That’s not me controlling my character. That’s someone else’s system making decisions for me.

I still catch myself checking stats, caring about reviews, sneaking peeks at gossip. But at least now I notice it faster: “Ah, I’m trying to control someone else’s character again,” or “I’m letting someone else control mine.”

Then I bring my attention back to my own character.

Leveling tips

□ Next time you feel angry or anxious, ask yourself: is this something I can control? If not, let it go and redirect your attention to what you can do
□ List three things that have been bothering you recently. Mark which ones you can control and which you can’t. Focus your energy on the ones you can
□ Track how much time you spend in a day “trying to control someone else’s character”: complaining, people-pleasing, waiting for replies, caring about what others think. The number might surprise you
□ Replace “what will people think” with “what can I do.” The first feeds anxiety. The second drives action
□ After shipping your work, turn off notifications. Your job is to create, not to stare at numbers